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Retired General Tommy Ray Franks, former Commander-in-chief of CENTCOM and present there as 9/11 unravelled.
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Last updated: 16 Apr 2007.

Actual Letters received by a City Council from local people.

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has
fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just
can't take it anymore.

3. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt
My knob off.

5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he
Put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my
fence.

7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof.
I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the
wall.

10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife
Tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen

12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are
Plain filthy.

13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is
cleared.

15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour
And not fit to drink.

16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning
at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

18. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is
unsightly and dangerous.

19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a
third
so please send someone round to do something about it.

20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please
do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy
My wife.

22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I
Still have no satisfaction.

23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't
Get BBC2.


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